I dig it.

I totally dig being the "older" student in my food writing class.  It doesn't bother me in the least, especially when we have a project session at my house and I get to cook something special for the folks that come over.  Tonight, I cooked bratwurst and brotchen and had it just about ready when everyone showed up to work on the cookbook project.  My hubby was happy because it's one of his favorite dishes and Wes, Mia, Tori, and Tyler all liked the Brotchen and Brats (Tori didn't eat the pork of course...lol).  I have always liked to cook real food for people and I like cooking something for someone that they have never had.  I loved Tyler's innocent question, "What's the difference between a brotchen and a brat?"...my answer..."One is a meat and one is a bread...lol"  I wanted to say something funnier but his question was so innocent, I just couldn't bring myself to be a smartypants.  I have never been able to figure out exactly why I like to cook so much.  Maybe it's the satisfaction.  Maybe it's seeing someone else enjoy something I have prepared.  I don't really care why....I just do. 

Diet Coke

Is there any better drink in the world?  I mean...it has some flavor but it's not so sickenly sweet that you will get sick if you drink a ton of them, which I do.  It's not like Dr. Pepper that eats your taste buds up.  It's not totally lacking any taste like water.  It has zero calories.  I just don't think it can get any better than that.  I hear people say they drink too many Diet Cokes and then tell me they drink 6 a day.  I'm ashamed to even try to count how many I drink a day.  6 would be a good, low number day though.  I guess if that's the only bad thing I do, I'm okay, right?

Some things I don't understand...

I make this dish I call "Whipalo" and my husband absolutely loves it.  I make it only every so often....not even once a year any more.  I made it tonight so I could take pics for the recipe book and made the orange kind, which is his favorite.  It's a "sweet" dish, like a treat after dinner but not so sweet as a cake.  He likes it enough that it illicits an "oo oo" response when I ask if he wants any.  The thing I don't understand is that he absolutely detests sour cream.  Like with a passion.  To the point that if he smells it when I put it on my potato, he acts like he is going to throw up.  This whipalo dish has 16 whole ounces of sour cream in it.  I've brought it up to him once or twice but he seems to forget in between times that I make it.  I usually just smirk to myself as he gobbles it up and when the whole bowl is almost gone, I remind him that it has sour cream in it.  Gotta get my kicks somewhere....

What to eat?

So, what do you eat when it seems like everything makes you sick to your stomach?  I've tried eating only bland foods and I've tried eating exactly what seems like a good idea at the time, regardless of what it is.  I know it is because I am still so sad because I can't hug my son every day.  I know I have to eat.  Everyone around me seems to remind me all the time and even seems to pay particular attention to what and when I eat.  I simply don't care to eat.  I still cook.  I have to cook for Michaela and I generally let her choose what we will have for dinner like I used to let Nicholas choose. 

I ate five "tater logs" today.  They smelled good when I walked in the Favorite Market to get a Diet Coke.  I always ask for the skinny ones because the fat ones don't seem to get cooked all the way.  They lady huffed when I asked for them like she was having a bad day.  I told her that I hoped her day got better and she said, "My day is just FINE!  It's just digging through these....!"  I guess she didn't mind letting me know that I was putting her out tremendously by asking for the skinny ones.  I know she didn't realize it took all the effort I had to smile at her today so I forgive her for being so disagreeable.  I'm sure she has bad things going on in her life right now too.  It did set me to thinking about how just a little kindness all of the time can make a difference.  I do try to always be kind but I think I will try even harder.  You just never know what someone else is going through.

Out of Date?

So, what's the deal with use by dates on things that are staple like products?  I cleaned out my cabinet yesterday to get cans for my nieces can-a-thon at school and decided to check some of the stuff that had been in there for ages to see if it was still in date.  There were several of those microwave desserts in a bowl that I had bought to try that had been sitting there unused because we just generally don't "do" those things that had gone out of date.  This led me to think about how the food manufacturers determine how long something will last?  These food manufacturers put so many preservatives in these foods that you would think they would last forever.  Canned goods are supposed to be good for years but those seem to have an expiration date that doesn't last that long either.  What gives?

The strangest things.....

Everyone knows I talked about my kid all the time when he was alive.  He was my whole world.  I don't anticipate that this will change anytime soon.  I hope that doesn't make people uncomfortable but to be perfectly honest, I really don't care.  I love my son more than anything and if I want to talk about him, I will.  You don't have to listen and I am okay with that.  I don't expect you to care like I do. 
Anyway,  back when Esa wrote about her "Chester's Hot Fries" obsession, I silently giggled to myself because I sat there thinking about Nicholas and how much he liked them as well.  He talked me into trying them a few times and I never really cared for them.  When I went into Nicholas' room to find what I wanted him to wear for visitation, I noticed a bag, empty of course, of those same Chester's Hot Fries in the garbage can in his room.  This reminded me of all of the times we would stop for snacks, usually at a QuickTrip because it is our favorite convenience store, and he would debate between Hot Fries, Funyuns, or Chex Mix.  He loved SunChips (Harvest Cheddar) as well but we usually kept these in the big bag at home for him so he didn't get these as a "special" snack. 
After deciding on his snack, Nicholas would always ask what size freezie he could get and I would tell him whatever size he wanted.  The reply was always the same but he always asked for some reason that I will never know now.  I was always rewarded with one of his cute little grins, though, as he pulled the monster size cup from the display and began to debate over the numerous freezie flavors that the QT offers.  Sometimes, he would decide on what flavor he wanted based on how frozen it was and he usually liked for me to fill his cup because he said that somehow I could fit more in the cup.  Whether that was true or he just wanted his momma to fix it---well, I guess I'll never know that either. 
As healthy as the kid ate for most of his life, I am glad that he got some enjoyment from junk food sometimes.  I have found myself, over the last few days, wanting the strangest things.  I am eating things that I have never eaten before.  All of them are things that my sweet son would ask for and I would buy and keep in the house for him but never eat myself.  So strange...but the Hot Fries were so good.

Bleh, food.

Bleh, food.  Not in the mood.  I'm finding lately that I don't care what I eat or even if I eat.  Nothing looks good, smells good, or sits well on my stomach.  I know it's my grief and sadness rather than the food; and it leads me to wonder why some people can barely eat when they are sad and some people feed their grief?